It's no real secret. When I was 19 years old, I joined the Rachel Leigh Cook fan club. One of the better songs in the movie Josie and the Pussycats, Can't You Just Pretend To Be Nice, got me singing along the moment I heard it. But something irritated me about the song. Not just because the guy in the song sounds like such a tool, but because the girl would for real find life easier if he faked it.
Earlier, I asked about confrontation. I mean, accountability. It's sort of tied together. When I read the last chapter of Nehemiah, I really had to ask myself which God likes better: Nice people or people pursuing holiness? Wouldn't it be more kind to confront people when they're deep in sin?
I'm not saying I want to tear anyone's hair out, but I am saying I want to know what you think. Is nice always kind?
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I think we can be accountable to each other without being jerks about it. Part of that accountability needs to come from knowing and caring about each other. I see way too often people in the church try to "Hold Accountable" people they don't know or who are outside of the church. It tends to be counter-productive. If you're not doing it out of genuine love and caring for people, don't do it. You're throwing your pearls before swine.
I understand what you're saying, Matt. Strangers won't necessarily take what we have to say as loving words of rebuke. In Nehemiah's case, it appears he knew the people he personally confronted.
But then there were the people camped outside the city gates, hoping to trade on the sabbath. He was very firm with them as well and they might have been total strangers because he gives them no names.
Let's say we're at a party and somebody is talking openly about how they cheat on their spouse. Is it better to be nice about it and smile, trying to be pleasant and not spoil the party? Is that kindness?
And if we do know the person, should we not confront them with their sin, encouraging them to change?
I have long been frustrated with the idea of being nice. To me, nice often seems like a euphemism for witholding the truth or being fake. The church tends to get caught up in the idea of love being something that is always happy, never angry, and certainly not confrontational. We also, as people, want to feel good and avoid the harsh truths that we sometimes need to face. C.S. Lewis talks explicitly about the idea of God being good, but certainly not always nice. The Bible tells us that God is love. Not that He sometimes loves or that he sometimes choses to be nice, but that He IS love. And then it tells us that He burns with anger or jealousy. Many people see this as a contradiction, but I think that it is a demonstration of the different facets of love.
True love wants the best for someone, and sometimes that means rebuke or correction. Sometimes it will be accompanied with anger. Anger, as an emotion, is certainly not sin. I agree with Matt that we need to be sensitive and Paul says that when someone is in the wrong we should restore them gently. I don't, however, think that it means that we are always supposed to be nice. We need to act appropriately to the situation, taking into account the gravity of the wrong, the emotional state of the person, and how they best receive communication. Sometimes that means we won't be nice, and sometimes it means people will be upset with us. And that's perfectly fine.
High fives, Dan. That's a good way to put it.
I'm reading a book right now called "Practicing Affirmation" that approaches this from another angle.
its been really helpful and challenging so far...
http://www.crossway.org/books/practicing-affirmation-tpb/
One main concept is that if we continue to confront/correct people without affirmation and encouragement being atleast equal to the amount of correction...it becomes hurtful, essentially.
On both ends (affirmation/confrontation) it comes down to listening to the Spirit and being obedient.
Excellent point, Kristin. It seems like affirmation is key in situations like this. For a long time, I wondered why I was so bad at confrontation. Then I realized I looked at it like ripping off a band-aid - just get it over with and quick. When I was a kid, it always made the procedure better when dad patted me on the back and said, "Way to go, big guy."
I'm sure there are better analogies. That's just the first to pop in my head.
such a great question. and one that I haven't thought about in a while. Thank you for that, Isaiah. A few questions of my own in response: Who do we see Jesus getting angry at? Why is he rebuking? Is there a pattern?
Look at you Isaiah, having a conversation by answering each comment. Bravo. BTW, can you change my url on your sidebar to joemartino.com? Grazi.
BTW, I think there are many times, if Jesus did what He did back then today, we would have called him a jerk and a meany.
Joe, consider it done.
Nobody thought Jesus was meaner than the people he challenged.
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